11:11
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spiritual awakenings can take up to seven YEARS?
here I am again, at what feels like the peak of the pyramid
Watching the avalanche begin its descent—releasing a cascade of blessings for all beings and the land itself. I feel profoundly grateful to be where I am on this journey.
Every day feels beautiful, magical, joyful, and blissful, and my heart overflows with gratitude.
Do you remember when I talked about “3 becoming 2” and losing my crystal ball? Well, not long ago, I found it again—buried in the infamous theater seating in my camper that seems to devour everything. Since rediscovering it, I haven’t given it much thought… until recently, when the concept of “3 becoming 2” resurfaced in my mind. Duality has been showing itself to me in fascinating ways lately. Oxford Languages describes duality beautifully: *“the photographs capitalize on the dualities of light and dark, stillness and movement.”*
Wait, wait… The Holy Shit Express has taken a turn—a sharp one at that!
For context, things with DJED (a central figure in my life for the past 13 years) seemed pretty stable, even good, for a while. He’s been there for me through some of my darkest times, especially in the past couple of years. When my family couldn’t or wouldn’t support me, he did. There were days I could barely eat, days anxiety consumed me, and I lost so much weight that I was swimming in a size 8—something I hadn’t worn since the 7th grade. Anxiety is brutal, and when you don’t eat enough, your brain suffers.
DJED helped me in tangible ways—asking if I had eaten, sending me photos of food to remind me of my love for tacos, even wiring money when we couldn’t afford groceries or gas. Once, he sent money just so I could buy my daughter something she wanted. He even sent me comfortable shoes for a new job.
I love him deeply; his heart is enormous. But… he’s also a narcissist. Controlling. Imagine having a relationship with someone who was a commander in the U.S. Army—a man trained in strategy, discipline, and, unfortunately, manipulation. Our connection has been riddled with half-truths, secrets, and emotional games that felt like they were designed to wake me up.
At times, I believed he was waiting for me to awaken all along. Oh, how I longed for him to show up at my camper like in my vision, to declare his love in person, and to finally bridge the emotional distance between us. But if that arrival meant reliving the past, enduring more lies, and feeling like an afterthought in his life, then I couldn’t accept it. I crave honesty, and he is a master of deception—a trained liar, even.
Two months ago, things took a dramatic turn. DJED sent me a series of angry messages, essentially telling me to “f*** off.” He blamed me for not following his advice to stay in the camper and save money instead of renting a house. He even criticized me for buying my daughter another car. It was a classic case of “I told you so,” though he didn’t even know the full story because our communication was so fragmented. He always preferred texting over calling, a habit that left so much unsaid.
Yes, even my therapist and friends have asked me if he’s married. He claims he’s divorced, but as the saying goes, actions speak louder than words.
I find myself crying, asking God if this is really the plan for me. Haven’t I paid for my sins enough? Thirteen years of solitude, of choosing DJED despite the “imaginary” nature of our relationship, as my relationship coach calls it. It’s not a true relationship until the cards are on the table and commitment is clear.
Life has tested me in other ways too. Just four days after I was rear-ended in a car accident, my daughter was hit in nearly the same spot on the road. Thankfully, both accidents were minor, but hers was slightly more intense. Her car, an old one, was deemed a total loss by the insurance company, but we managed to fix it and use the payout to cover some bills. In a strange way, the accident ended up being a blessing.
In “The Chapel by the Sea,” I touched on the significance of names and how they shape our journeys. Recently, I learned that our Akashic Records are recorded using our legal names. Isn’t that fascinating?
As for my own journey, I’ve long believed I would have three children: a boy, a girl, and another boy. This belief came from a string test at a party years ago. At the time, I had a boy and a girl, and I assumed I would remarry and have another child. I never considered the possibility of stepchildren, even though DJED has a boy and a girl. Now, at 48 and navigating menopause, the likelihood of another pregnancy feels like it’s slipping away.
And yet, the awakening continues. The Holy Shit Express is full steam ahead, and I’m holding on tight. There’s magic in the unknown, and I trust the Universe is leading me exactly where I need to be.
